Moving beyond pain when you are coping with loss of A loved one

“Goodbye’s hurt the most when the story was not finished”-  unknown author

Loss.  Unbearable and difficult to stand in grief and not run from it. The death of a loved one is devastating.  Whether it’s a sudden death or one that was a result from a long term illness, it is all hard.  Your brain is literally adjusting to this information. The painful conflict from our brain is, “Where is my loved one and why don’t I see them,” even though I know logically they are not here anymore.  Their memory is all around you and it can be painful to think about those memories after they have died.  I recently read it’s not time that heals all wounds but that at some point you start to adapt to the person no longer being physically around you and that helps you heal.

​We go through a variety of different feelings when we lose someone.  We wish that we could close our eyes and let the grief pass without notice. We won’t magically feel better overnight, so it’s important to take some kind of action to help move the grief.  You get to decide how you experience grief and what you need around you to bring you comfort.

Ways to help heal

1. Surround yourself with loved ones.  Being around people who you care about and who care about you can be healing.  It lessens the feeling of being alone and helps you stay connected.  
2. Take action with your grief.  Dedicating your work to the one who died, or creating a memorial.  I have seen runners dedicate their run to their special person who died or basketball players who dedicate the game to a player that died.  Benches on the boardwalk signify one way to acknowledge a place a person loved to be that when you sit there you can think of being with them.  Fundraise for the condition that they suffered from.
3. Talk about it. Expressing your feelings with words, talking about them with others.  Share memories.  Not everyone can talk about it, it’s hard and may not be the way they express themselves so find another outlet to connect with them.  
4. Write a letter to the person who died.  Express your feelings, get out the things you want to say, that you haven’t said, or wished you said.   My dad died suddenly in 2016.  In the early days of his death I wrote in a journal daily, and used it as a place to write about my memories.  
5. Gardening.  Make a connection with the earth.  Working in the dirt, movement in the ground, can help to release the tension that is being held from grieving.  My sister planted a beautiful tree in memory of our dad and it is outside her house where her family can sit and think of him.  
6. Get moving.  In times of grief the body holds the grief, getting a massage will help to move the grief out of you body.  The body feels heavy and tired. I remember a massage therapist telling me sometimes when she is massaging someone who is grieving their body feels so tense and stuck. Go for a bike ride, walk, kayak, play baseball or take a yoga class.  Physical activity a good way to release feelings. 
7. Crying.  This can be hard, but  it is your bodies way of letting out the sadness.  It’s okay to cry no need to stuff it down. Children benefit from seeing their parents cry and sharing in the grief.  Plan a moment in the day to be sad and give yourself what you need in that moment for comfort.  Planning sadness sounds silly but can help you cope with having that feeling.  
8. Seek out Support.  Whether a grief group on line or through a church, hospital or mental health center.  It can help to be around others besides your family who understand what it feels like to lose someone.

​Grief can be a long journey. Sometimes getting through the day is the best we can hope for.  Planning for ways to help you heal allows you to deal with grief even if its just one small step at a time.